Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
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Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.