Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
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[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.