Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
You Might Also Like
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.