[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
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Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Investing in beetcoin
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second