My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
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(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen