When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
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I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
A dad and his duck
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
How I’d get arrested…
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.