It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
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The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
how do y’all walk in shallow water