If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
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Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…