*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
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WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again