if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
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Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!