Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
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Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Free him
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.