me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment