So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
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When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s