Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
You Might Also Like
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Bit chilly again tonight.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.