bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
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Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
the three branches of government
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
What?!?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this