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pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.