BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
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duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
buys donuts instead
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.