Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
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I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?