Livid.
You Might Also Like
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest