I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
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My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.