It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
You Might Also Like
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
no one likes gloating
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
anyone else like Italian cereal
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.