My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
You Might Also Like
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Wednesday
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?