Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
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ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.