Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
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To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Hey i am sexy to you now
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?