My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
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I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Cow it started Cow it’s going
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.