That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
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You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
A bold strategy
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*