She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
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Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
jesus christ confetti not now
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs