*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
You Might Also Like
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up