“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
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Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
worst…sale…ever
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Now, where’s the sport in that?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.