Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
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“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Wikigenius
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
first you must answer his riddles
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat