Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
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*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.