Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.