I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
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Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?