Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
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We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.