#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
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My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”