If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
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Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space