ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
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*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying