(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
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2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.