No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
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[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.