Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
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Stop sending me this shit.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
m’lady
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa