Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
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Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Worth a try
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.