I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
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Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Yup.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.