me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
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Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”