What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
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[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me: