Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
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CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”