*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
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“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”