My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I am never leaving this website
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My first son he is wonderful
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.