dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
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Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.