Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
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Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.