I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
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Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
describing stardew valley
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.